


Ultra Super God Wicker Man

by Hitlertheduck



Category: The Wicker Man (2006)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25555075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: Nicholas Cage is being burned alive inside of the Wicker Man but his luck changes when the wooden giant converts into a giant fighting robot for him to pilot and lets him get revenge on these women





	Ultra Super God Wicker Man

Nicholas Cage screamed as he was being burned alive inside the wicker man. He couldn’t believe that this was happening, his ex-fiancé, Willow, had tricked him into coming here, just so he could be sacrificed so that these natives could have their goddamn honey.

The thorny wood jabbed into Nicholas Cage’s ass and reminded him of the fate that was coming for him soon. 

Nick was feeling several different emotions as the flames slowly started to creep up on him. Feelings like despair, fear, and anguish were a few, but there was one feeling that overpowered all of them, one feeling that enveloped his whole body, the feeling of rage. 

Pure, blinding, rage was all that filled up his heart at the moment. Rage at himself for being stupid enough to try and help the woman who broke his heart, rage at Willow for making him come here in the first place, but most important of all, rage at this motherfucking island and the people who lived on it for condemning him to this fate.

Nicholas could hear the women chanting outside “the drone must die, the drone must die, the drone must die”

This only enraged him further as not only was he about to die but he’d die having their stupid voices be the last thing he hears before the inevitable.

Nick Cage began to sweat as the flames started to come closer, and the smell of smoke started to become more apparent. His death was about to come and he didn’t want it to end this way. He started desperately searching for anything that could help him escape this terrible fate.

As the flames were about to engulf him, Nicholas’s eyes lit up as he spotted a shiny crimson red button on the inside of the wicker man. He immediately crawled over to where it was and pushed down on it as hard as he could.

Suddenly the flames went out instantly and the wooden area that Nick Cage was forced into started to slowly shift into what looked like a cockpit. The room was now made of a chrome colored metal, there were multicolored buttons everywhere, and there was a comfy looking chair smackdab in the middle of the room.

A smile began to creep up on Nicholas Cage’s face. This wasn’t just an ordinary wicker man, this was a wicker man giant robot!

Nick Cage began to slowly crawl towards the comfy chair until he was finally sitting in the commander’s chair and was ready to exact judgement on these women!  
…  
Back on the island, the women had stopped chanting and were conversing with each other in confusion. 

“Sister Summersisle, why has the wicker man stopped burning” asked Sister Beech

Sister Summersisle started to sweat nervously, “I’m not sure, this has never happened before.”

Sister Summersisle’s then looked over to Nick Cage’s daughter and said “little girl, go light it again please”

Rowan did as she was told and went to go light the Wicker Mecha (that’s what we’re calling it now) again but as she was about to put flame to wood, the Wicker Mecha’s foot raised itself up and stomped down on Rowan, creating a crater in the ground and turning the little girl into a pile of blood pudding. The blood splashed on a few of the women   
who were in the vicinity as they all began to realize what had just happened.

The women of the island began to flee in terror at the awesome might of the Wicker Mecha. 

“NOW YOU BITCHES ARE ALL GONNA GET WHAT’S COMING TO YOU” declared Nick Cage!

The Wicker Mecha raised its right arm into the air and unleashed a torrent of sparkling orange flames on the women, causing the flesh on their bodies to melt off, and made their exposed skeletons catch on fire. The flaming skeletons then fell to the ground and turned to dust.

Some women ran from the Wicker Mecha into the distance, but a small army of other women stood up to the giant in an attempt to fight it off and gain the respect of Sister Summersisle. These women carried spears and crossbows with them and they were ready to fight this ferocious beast with all they had.

The women raised their arms back and began to toss their spears at the Wicker Mecha, hoping to pierce it through its hide. They were sadly mistaken as all the spears did was break against the incredible bulk of the mecha and also piss Cage off even more.

“ALL YOU SHIT FACED WACKOS ARE GONNA GO DOWN AND IT’S GONNA BE ME WHO’S IN CHARGE OF IT ALL! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Nick then reached up and pushed a green, mint colored button which made a big gun appear on the left side of the Wicker Mecha’s shoulder. 

Nick Cage then pushed the trigger which made the shoulder gun fire a collage of purple energy blasts that hit almost all of the women right in the forehead. The force behind these blasts created a massive fiery explosion that was so large that it was visible from outer space. The aftermath of the explosion created a large crater in the ground where the women once were and the women’s bodies had been obliterated. 

The Wicker Mecha then retracted the gun back into its shoulder.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” laughed Nick Cage. 

The women with crossbows were sickened by what had just happened but they stood their ground in an attempt to fight the wooden giant. Sister Beech stood at the front of the squad and carefully aimed her crossbow. 

“Open fire on my command” Sister Beech said in a stern authoritative voice.

Sister Beech then ordered the women to fire their arrows directly at the Wicker Mecha and just a few moments later, that’s exactly what they did. The arrows flew through the air at an astonishing rate, but just like the spears, the arrows broke against tough exterior of the Wicker Mecha and made the women realized just how truly fucked they were.

Nick began to laugh to himself as he spotted a purple button on the left of his chair. He immediately reached over and pushed this grape flavored button down as hard as he could to see what would happen.

The Wicker Mecha’s chest proceeded to open itself up like a garage door and an astounding number of slimy green tentacles erupted from the Wicker Mecha’s torso with the intent to kill.

The women began firing more and more arrows at these tentacles in an attempt to keep them at bay but this ended up being all for naught because the tentacles began grabbing women off the ground against their will.

A woman began to scream as the tentacles grabbed her by the head and yanked it off of her body, causing a geyser of blood to shoot out of her neck stump while her body just wilted lifelessly. 

Another woman shot at the tentacles with her crossbow in order to fend off the tentacles but the arrows had no effect whatsoever as one tentacle shot towards the lady and impaled her through the chest, killing her instantly. It then retracted from her body and she ended up falling to the ground, her body now resembling a car tire.

A lady just threw down her crossbow and attempted to run away from the carnage but the tentacles slithered up to her, wrapped themselves around her arms and legs and both of them yanked in the opposite direction. The force behind this attack immediately ripped the woman in half as easily as tissue paper. The tentacles then dropped her and blood, bones, and organs fell onto the ground as a result.

Another lady just stood there, not being able to believe that this was happening. She wanted to run away but her legs just refused to move so she just stood there and closed her eyes, awaiting her fate. Her death came swiftly when a tentacle whipped through the air and sliced her waist, cleaving her into two halves and splattering her blood all over the trees.

Sister Beech was the only one left and Nicholas looked forward to killing her the most out of all the squad members.

All of the tentacles began to rush towards Sister Beech but to Nick’s surprise she didn’t try to fight it, rather, she seemed to welcome it. The tentacles then raised Sister Beech up into the air until she was eye to eye with Nicholas. 

Nicholas opened up the Wicker Mecha and stuck his head out to say “you seem pretty unphased by your death, unlike your friends, why?”

Sister Beech just smiled, then she started to laugh, before saying “it’s because I know that while we may die, so will you”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You can kill me, and probably everyone on this island, but I know that you can’t kill Sister Summersisle, she’s more powerful than you could ever hope to dream of” Sister Beech then threw her head back and began to laugh again, almost choking because of how hard she was laughing.

“We’ll see about that” said Nicholas Cage.

The tentacles then wrapped around Sister Beech’s whole body and began to squeeze as hard as they could. Sister Beech continued laughing as her head started to turn a darker shade of purple. Her eyes began to bulge out of their sockets like a cartoon character before she couldn’t take anymore and her head popped in a mess of blood, skull chunks, and brain matter. 

The Wicker Mecha then dropped her dead body onto the ground, retracted the tentacles back into itself and closed its chest up now that the tentacles had done their duty.  
Nicholas Cage then continued piloting the Wicker Mecha to continue wreaking havoc on this island. 

Nicholas was laughing like a complete maniac throughout his entire rampage until he saw that there was only one single woman standing in front of his mecha. This was the worst one of them all, the woman that he wanted to kill more than any other person on this island. The woman who had started this damn cult and the one who wanted him to be sacrificed in the first place. The one and only, Sister Summersisle!

“IT’S YOU, YOU SHE-BITCH” yelled Cage!

“Yes it’s me and it seems like you’ve been causing quite the ruckus in our home” said Summersisle calmly. 

The shoulder gun came out of the Wicker Mecha’s shoulder once again and he aimed it directly towards Sister Summersisle. Nicholas said “BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO CUNT FLAVORED JELLY, I JUST WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME ONE QUESTION, WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT GETTING HONEY TO THE POINT OF SACRIFICING INNOCENT HUMAN LIVES?!” 

Sister Summersisle just smiled and said “Why would I tell you when I can show you instead?”

Suddenly Sister Summersisle threw her clothes off and began to change form. She had grown to the size of a kaiju, she had no clothes on besides a plain red shirt, she was   
covered from head to toe in yellow colored fur, and she had changed from being a human to being a plush bear. She also seemed to not be female anymore after his transformation.

“Winnie the Pooh, I had a feeling that you were behind this” said Nicholas Cage

“That’s right Cage, my desire for honey has gotten so bad that now I would sacrifice human lives just for a drop of that sweet nectar” said Winnie

“YOU SACRIFICED UNTOLD AMOUNTS OF PEOPLE JUST TO FEED YOUR DAMN HONEY ADDICTION?!” yelled Nicholas

“Yes of course, and I would do it again if I could” said Pooh Bear

This enraged Nicholas Cage to no end

“I’LL TEAR INTO YOU UNTIL YOU’RE SHITTING BLOOD AND PISSING SHIT!” yelled Nicholas Cage

The Wicker Mecha then squatted down before jumping up into the air until he landed on the ground to deliver a solid punch to Winnie the Pooh’s face, stunning the silly old bear until the Mecha sent another punch into Pooh’s stomach, causing Pooh to cough up blood. 

Pooh just grinned through it and said “now that you’ve had your fun, it’s my turn now”

Suddenly, a metallic buzz saw erupted from Pooh’s wrist on and sliced into the Wicker Mecha before Cage had a chance to react. The blade dug into the Wicker Mecha’s hide, while chunks of wood and metal came off. Needless to say, Pooh was pleased with himself at this turn of events.

The Wicker Mecha then jumped back in order to keep Pooh from damaging him more with his buzz saw. 

Nicholas then looked around until he spotted a sparkling blue button across from him. He then smashed the button down with his head.

The Wicker Mecha’s whole body began to glow a fiery orange before the entire mecha was consumed by flames in an instant. The mecha did not burn however, instead the flames died out and the mecha had an all new look to it. 

The Wicker Mecha was now completely black from head to toe. The mecha also had on a set of dark clothes. It had a black trench coat that ran all the way down to its heels, a pair of black pants which fit surprisingly tight on the giant robot, a black fedora which sat nicely on the mecha’s head, and finally a black mask with, what seemed like webs, splashed all over the mask and a pair of white lenses for where the eyes should be. 

The Wicker Mecha had transformed into a giant Spider-man Noir!

Pooh seemed a bit worried by this but he regained his composure and said “do you honestly think that a change of clothes will be enough to stop me from getting my honey?”

Nicholas just coolly said “I don’t smoke cigarettes, I suck out their life force and make them apart of my lungs”

“You didn’t answer my questi- Pooh didn’t have time to finish his sentence because Spider-Mecha Noir (that’s what we’re calling it now) webbed his mouth shut with expert precision.

“Can it, ya two bit hustler” said Nicholas

Spider-Mecha Noir then jumped into the air and began to skyrocket downwards with his leg fully extended until he landed a kick into Pooh’s jaw, breaking a few of his teeth and making Pooh cough up more blood. 

Pooh got out his wrist buzz saw again and tried to slice Spider-Mecha Noir again but Noir ducked underneath and wrapped both of his hands around Pooh’s buzz saw hand. With a burst of strength, he ripped Pooh’s arm off and a geyser of blood shot out while Pooh screamed in pain.

Spider-Mecha Noir then sweep kicked Pooh’s legs from underneath him which made Pooh fall on the ground.

“SO YOU ONLY DID THIS TO GET HONEY RIGHT?!” yelled Nicholas Cage

Spider-Mecha Noir then snapped his fingers and a giant pot of boiling hot honey appeared in the air.

“WELL IT’S COMING RIGHT UP!”

Spider-Mecha Noir then picked up Winnie the Pooh’s body and threw him into the boiling hot honey pot!

“Oh bother” said Pooh before his flesh melted off and he was nothing but a pile of bones swimming around in honey.

Nicholas then pushed the blue button again and it made Spider-Mecha Noir change back to his Wicker Mecha form. 

Nicholas breathed a sigh of relief now that his job was done. 

Suddenly 6 giant men appeared in front of Nicholas!

One of them then went up and began to speak to him “Greetings Mr. Cage, I am Ultraman and these are my Ultra brothers” 

The other Ultra brothers nodded their heads in agreement to that.

Ultraman continued “We have witnessed your awesome power in action and we’d like to ask for your assistance against other Kaiju that threaten the world’s peace.”

Ultraman then extended his hand and said “will you join us?”

Nicholas thought about it for a second before controlling the Wicker Mecha to go up to Ultraman and shake his hand “of course, if it means protecting the earth, then I’ll gladly do it.”

Ultraman then said “wonderful, let us leave for the Land of Light immediately”

"Sure, just let me take care of something first" said Nicholas

The Wicker Mecha then punched the island that they were on and made the whole thing blow up in a spectacular explosion! 

"Now let's go" said a relieved Cage

The Wicker Mecha and the Six Ultra Brothers then flew up into the air and entered into space, ready to fight against whatever threats may come to challenge the world’s peace.


End file.
